Hi Parents
Society values academic excellence and it is not unusual for parents to believe themselves responsible for the development of their child’s potential. Driven by a system that measures success by test results, “How can I help my child be clever?” and “What can I do to increase my child’s potential?” are common thoughts based on good intention to provide your child with every advantage possible.
Educational Toys vs Open-ended and Imaginative Play
In some cases, children are occupied with educational toys at every opportunity, so as not to waste one moment of potential development. While educational toys are not bad for the development of children, they actively deprive children of the time and brain space they need to learn more vital skills, which are provided by open-ended and imaginative play.
When playtime is used as learning time, the concomitant stress is counterproductive – the more stress hormones that enter the brain, the less effective the learning. Far from producing a brilliant mind, continuous learning time, even if it is disguised as playtime, creates an environment in which children feel loved on condition of their success. This, in turn, increases their anxiety and, if they detach to avoid feeling that they are disappointing their parents, a lack of enthusiasm and low confidence.
The determination to provide our children with every advantage to achieve excellence often results in “Helicopter” or “Snow-plough” parents, either hovering over their child watching their every move, or walking ahead to make sure that their child does not have to face any struggles.
So, how do you parent with purpose if not by providing every possible advantage for your child?
Value Effort and Personal Achievement
Understand that positive childhood development is the result of great effort in the face of difficulty. Children are inherently capable of over-coming difficulty. It is the frustration of inertia that motivates them to crawl and, when they begin to walk, the pain of bumping their head repeatedly that eventually teaches them to put their hands out when they fall.
When you make life easy for your children, albeit with good intention, and remove all potential difficulty, you also remove the opportunity for your child’s brain to manage the difficulty. In other words, you remove the cause to learn.
Ergo, in order to parent with purpose, understand that it is the happiness and security, and not the academic success, of your child that is the measure of parental success. Let toys be something your children use for open-ended and imaginative play. Don’t hover over them, or remove every obstacle. Let them know that it’s okay not to know everything, or not to win a competition.
Raise your children to value effort (work-ethic) and personal achievement, and the principle of doing your best instead of being the best.
Don’t be a Helicopter or a Snow-Plough Parent
Purposeful parenting provides a home that is a safe place for children, where children feel comfortable telling their parents about their day. When your child feels comfortable discussing his/her day, you are able to positively contribute to the development of their child’s character.
Praise positive stories of personal achievement and good behaviour. Model appropriate responses for negative stories of personal disappointment, or upsetting social interaction, where your child’s difficulties are turned into opportunities. For example, you can say, “When I was your age, that happened to me and I handled it by ……….”.
Whatever you do, don’t be a Helicopter or a Snow-plough. Flying into a rage and demanding the school deal with a bully, or award your child a grade he/she does not deserve, neither sets a good example nor achieves purpose. It also deprives your child of the opportunity to learn the lessons and develop the skills to manage the difficulty.
Learn the Difference between Parenting and Serving
To parent purposely is to understand the difference between parenting and serving your child. By doing for your child what he/she can do for themselves, you are doing them a great disservice. The only thing your child will learn when you dress him/her, or cut out pictures for his/her project, is that you can do it faster and better. You deny your child the opportunity to learn how to do it faster and better.
Encourage Play
Children experience development across three broadly defined domains:
- Cognitive
The development of critical thinking ability, problem-solving, abstract thinking, and decision-making.
- Social/emotional
The experience, expression and management of emotions and the ability to establish positive relationships with others.
- Physiological
Relating to the physical and chemical functions of the body.
Development of the abovementioned domains occurs by development of various intelligences:
- mental (IQ) – critical thinking ability, problem solving, decision making
- emotional(EQ) – management of emotions
- spiritual (SQ) – moral guidance
- physical (PQ) – healthy diet, exercise, sufficient sleep
- creative (CQ) – innovation
To parent purposely, encourage play. Play is the root of creativity, involves the development of all three domains and all the intelligences. When you create a safe environment in which your child needs to conquer a struggle, you create a true learning environment.
In the playground, your child will learn about waiting his/her turn (EQ), run and jump (PQ), and, all the while, the brain-derived phototrophic factor released when exercising will stimulate neurogenesis – the growth of new neurons – which means that they are getting smarter every moment of play. Colouring in (CQ) develops your child’s fine motor skills, and drawing (CQ, IQ) develops creativity and spatial reasoning.
To parent purposely means to teach your child the importance of planning. A sheet of paper attached to the fridge with a magnet creates a visual reminder of what is required – pack your books, pack a healthy snack, be on time. Be careful not to fill your child’s day so completely that they have no time alone or unoccupied or you risk a child that says, “I’m bored” when not occupied with organized activity or by others. That quiet time is for imagination and reflection, both very important in all aspects.
Most importantly, teach your child the power of mindfulness (SQ). Teach your child to ask for forgiveness for those he/she might have hurt; and, to forgive those who have upset him/her. Spiritual intelligence is the foundation of the development of all the intelligences, so let this be a daily practice in your home.
Enjoy parenting, and remember: it’s okay not to be the perfect parent.
Until next time!